As my brother Rich and sis-in-law K did the bristle-and-stare routine at each other, the rest of us sat in silent and uncomfortable embarrassment. Except me; as I said previously, I was secretly rather amused by it all. Oh, and my other brother, Rob, K's husband, was unaffected by what had happened altogether because Rob is generally lost in a fog of his own, thinking
K turned to Rob and hissed, "Well, obviously nobody is sticking up for me *half-beat pause with an unspoken, 'including YOU, Rob!'* so I just want to go, Rob: NOW!" Standing up abruptly, K stomped over to the tree where their opened gifts were, gathered them up and, still huffing and puffing with indignation, stomped towards the front door.
"ROB! Rob, come ON! We're LEAVING!"
Poor Rob looked at me in confusion and mumbled, "What happened? What did I do now? Why am I in trouble? Damn it!" and wearily stood up to follow K.
You know how I believe most relationships have a power exchange where one person is generally the leader and the other one the follower? Yeah, well, as I've blogged before, my sis-in-law K is DEFINITELY the leader in their marriage. Because that's just the way Rob is wired; the times in Rob's life where he didn't have a strong woman leading the way were...let's just say, not all that great. He's incredibly intelligent and equally musically talented but he's just not cut out to be a very good leader.
But it's one thing to have the power in a marriage delineated according to one's strengths and preferences with respect for each other and quite another to be condescending and snide about it, the way K is towards Rob.
K treats my brother Rob like he's an 8 year old child. And not a very bright one, either. No wonder he tends to mentally check out so much. See, K is one of those feminists who doesn't believe in equality of the sexes; no, she actually believes women are better than men. She won't admit this, of course, but it's obvious in all the derogatory remarks she'll make about male interests and male attitudes.
To K, any kind of male-aggressive energy is "bad". So sports are "bad", video games are "bad", action films are "bad"; you get the picture. Traditionally more female-oriented interests, however, are "good". Talking quietly about spiritual matters or relationships is "good", playing a family-type board game is "good" (as long as it doesn't become too boisterous) serious chick films about tortured lesbian writers at the turn of the century who kill themselves because of oppression from the patriarchal society she's forced to live in, that's a "good" film, and so forth.
I suspected what had really set K off were the funny/sarcastic comments Rich had made about women being "seen and not heard".
Dan and I did our hosts' duty and followed them out to the front door, protesting their leaving so soon. I said I wanted her to stay and make up with Rich but she said it was too late for that and frankly, she was right; it was too late. We were all tired and the hard feelings between them were still running too high.
After we hugged and wished each other a "Merry Christmas" (and yes, it was more than a little strained) Dan and I went back into the den and settled in for what turned into a three hour long diatribe by my brother Rich about K and how it wasn't his fault and she was just a bitch and yatta yattata yatta yat. *sighs* We supported Rich and agreed with him but he just went on and on about it and it was 1am before we could finally break away and escape to our bedroom, where we fell into a blessed blessed sleep.
The next morning we all met at a nearby restaurant for breakfast. But we were late because my brother Rich was so distraught at the prospect of seeing K again he had to call his AA sponsor and ask what to do. So we all had to wait while they talked for 45 minutes. And, I'm sorry, I know I should be all compassionate and understanding, but Rich has been going to AA meetings and working the program and been sober for nineteen years now.
He's 60 years old and he has to call his sponsor about how to handle seeing his sis-in-law after they'd had a few words the night before?
So we were late to breakfast and we were starving, plus the advice given by his sponsor was to "not bring it up unless she did and if/when she did, to just make statements about his own feelings". Okay, well, um, DUH! Let's see, I only learned that little trick when I FIRST BECAME AN ADULT!
Sorry. I know.
Me = Bitch.
Then on the drive back home after breakfast, Rich launched into one of his favorite topics; how fucked up our parents were. How dysfunctional they were. How we didn't have a "normal" childhood, how he wishes he would have had one, how our family is all "fucked up". I tried to be patient but it was hard.
See, we've only had this SAME discussion for THIRTY YEARS NOW.
BLAH BLAH BLAH!
Fuck, people. I'm sorry but I'm 52 and I got over my issues with my parents many MANY YEARS ago. I did Al-Anon for a year to help with my co-dependency issues since my dad was an alcoholic and so was/is my ex. And I did private therapy for a couple of years, too. I've worked through my anger with my parents and I have forgiven them; isn't that the point of therapy and all these self-help programs? To get better? Not to just spin in your wheels for 20 years on a self-pity party that never ends.
Is the point of these programs to help one become a professional victim? If so, then my brother has done a great job!
So forgive me, but when we walked in the door and sat down and Rich went on for HOURS and HOURS for the 1,358,089th time in our lives about how dysfunctional our family is, how Rob didn't stand up for him so many times as a brother should; poor poor Rich, oh woe is poor Rich, no wonder he has issues, yatta yatta, I finally lost it and jumped up to confront him.
"Oh my GOD, RICH! You're 60 years old! Dad has been DEAD for over 40 years now! Mom has been dead for 15! Get over it already! SHEESH!"
Rich stared at me, then said sullenly, "You never validate me about Dad's alcoholism."
ARGH!
"Rich, I HAVE validated you and validated you and VALIDATED YOU about our parents. For at LEAST 30 years now. We have had countless conversations about them; you've had therapy about it, I've had therapy about it, I did Al-Anon and ACA about it and you've gone to AA meetings almost daily for 19 years now and I know you talk about it in there almost every time you go in! Our parents were dysfunctional, yes. Dad drank and would rant and rave, Mom didn't protect us from his anger, you're right, but it's OVAH! They're DEAD and gone! Not only that, but many people have much worse childhoods than we did. Mom and Dad loved us, yes, they were fucked up but they didn't abuse us the way many kids are abused and they could have. Okay? So let's talk about the family you DO have right now."
Pointing at my chest, I said, "Like me, for instance. I am a wonderful sister to you! I call you and check up on you, I listen patiently and validate your feelings, I invited all our family to our home and cooked an amazing Christmas feast, and decorated and showed all of you nothing but joy and love and happiness!" Sweeping my arm to the side to include his wife, M, I went on:
"Look at your beautiful wife sitting here; how awesome is your wife? What good care she takes of you, how much she loves you, how she shows it in a thousand ways every single day!"
Pointing at Dan I said, "And your brother-in-law, Dan; you LOVE debating with him, you've told me how much you enjoy time spent talking with Dan, how intelligent and well-informed he is and what a treat that is for you. You have thanked him for his wise advice many times and you have told me privately how happy you are that he's in our family. And what about our sis in New York; she's so supportive and loving and is always there for us, no matter what. If any of us ever needed her help, she'd fly out here in heartbeat to help."
"And Lucy and Ray with their spouses Jake and Cory; how in love they all are, how it hurts to look at them, sometimes, because they glow with happiness. And Lucy; bursting with health and contentment from the baby growing inside her. Rich, a new generation is coming; the first baby in our family for more than 30 years!"
"Yes, our parents were flawed, yes, our brother Rob has issues, but he's ONE PERSON! Forget the past, forget the negative; focus on the now, this IS TODAY and THIS is your family," I held my arms out wide, "WE are your family and we LOVE YOU!"
His wife had been making noises of encouragement all along and Dan had been nodding while looking at Rich but Rich...
Still didn't seem to get it. I wish I could say it was like "It's A Wonderful Life" and a light bulb went off in Rich's head and Rich said, "By GOLLY! You're right! I'm going to embrace the NOW and let go of past resentments! I'M A CHANGED MAN!"
But life isn't like the movies. Which is a pity sometimes.
We all continued the discussion for a while, M and Dan backed me up and tried to get him to "see" but again, it just seemed like he's spinning in the past and he cannot get out. He's still stuck there; back in the house he grew up in as a scared little kid and I don't know if he's ever coming out. :(
I do have hope, though. Because on the day they left, he said to me, "What you said about family...see, Amber, M and I are all alone. We don't have anyone." His eyes looked so sad and I know he meant they never had children.
I said, "Rich, it doesn't have to be that way, you don't have to feel alone. You can *reach* out to us, to your family. Lucy and Ray adore their uncle Rich, they always have. You can call, you can write, you can visit or let us visit you but *you* need to reach out more. The rest of us are here, we've always been here, waiting."
He nodded and I think, maybe, perhaps, hopefully, he finally got it.
I do have hope.
(Note: I realize this was just a flat-out rant-o-rama but you were forewarned about that, heh. Maybe some other time I can write about the fluffy warm times but I enjoyed writing this and it was very cathartic indeed.)
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